Monday, 10 September 2007

Wasp (Not Wasp)

I was stung by a wasp for the first time ever yesterday. It gently landed on me, looked casually about, walked about five paces then stung the merry hell out of my forearm. Luckily, I had the speed of thought and presence of mind to let go of everything I was holding and attend immediately to this unprovoked attack. Regrettably, the thing I was holding was a pushchair with our daughter in it which, as we had been happily strolling around Greenwich Park, promptly accelerated down the hill away from the Royal Observatory. Oh how we laughed, as we chased frantically after her buggy, careering at high speed towards the carved stone pillars of the National Maritime Museum.

So anyway, I was stung by a wasp for the first time ever yesterday.
The absolute bastard.


  1. It could have been worse, you could have gone into anaphylactic shock.

    I've never been stung either, I always get the little stripy fuggers before they can get me.

  2. oh great! add to my fears.

    I've always had a nervous feeling when pushing (or should that be holding on for dear life) the pram down that hill and similarly steep inclines. Now I will have thoughts of being stung as well.

    As it happens I stung myself recently. I was lazily, and without concern, shooing away a wasp and somehow contrived to get it trapped between two fingers, thus stinging my own finger! Bastard!

  3. I have been stung by a bee,
    but never a wasp,
    bees may make honey,
    and while that's funny,
    they also sting knees,
    I learned to my cost.

  4. So is there something one is supposed to put on wasp stings? My arm is very swollen and hot to the touch. For some reason I think it should be honey :)

  5. Our garden has been unusually busy with wasps over the last few weeks, so I have been unusually busy killing them.

    I am particularly proud of the way I killed the wasp that was sniffing a jam-jar lid. I set fire to its arse with a cigarette lighter, and, while it was rolling around going "Oh! My arse!" in wasp, I took off my flipflop and smacked it into oblivion.

  6. If you want something to put on the sting, I suggest a small sign that says "Keep off". This will stop anything else (mosquitos, bees, further wasps) from stinging you in the same place, which I imagine would be excruciating.

  7. (Or you could try vinegar. I got stang off a Portuguese man-o-war jellyfish once and vinegar helped a lot. You could say it really took the sting out of it.)

    (laughs too loud and for too long)

  8. I typed "Oh! My arse!" into the always reliable Babel Fish translation thingy (anyone remember Alta Vista?) and despite my crushing disappointment at 'English to Wasp' not being one of the available options, this one was:

    Oh! Το κατώτατο σημείο μου!

    Yes, it's Greek. Now do your own jokes.

  9. That's what it says in the Letters page of Viz, which is where I gets my grammar from.

    I should have said "I got stang off OF a wasp." Sorry.

  10. Is that not "offov" though?

    What would Dr. Samuel Johnson make of it?

  11. It was of my own creation.

    I believe you are supposed to pee on it and then suck out the poison (although presumably it's tastier to do these the other way around).

    Failing that I'd put on some magic cream (that's what we used to call it) - more usually referred to as E45.