Monday, 31 January 2011


So 'Fork Handles' is on hiatus while I get over the shock of being 40.

Back in a bit...

Friday, 28 January 2011

EOTW #brrrr

Cold, isn't it. Just the kind of weather you'd want your boiler to pack in completely, leaving you freezing for a week and, subsequently, two grand worse off. Still, in order to cheer up those unfortunates shivering in the kitchen waiting for the fourth kettle to boil, we have a special boiler-related Euphemisms Of The Week for you:
  • Replacing the thermocoupler
  • Tweaking the pressure release valve
  • Emptying the condensate
  • Checking the pilot light
  • Widening the flue
More to follow...

Thursday, 25 November 2010

EOTW #30-ish I gave her a pearl n... ah, there you are!! Sorry for the wait but we had leaves on the line at West Byfleet and heavy fog at Camden Parkway (plus I had to go back for my Thermos).

Anyway, pull up a pew, it's a bumper Twitter-only edition of Euphemisms Of The Week, in honour of the forthcoming Royal Wedding (it says here - personally I'd rather be "watching the cricket"...)

Recently observed on the 'tweet of shame':
  • Loading an antique blunderbuss
  • Fluffing the pillows
  • Having dinner with the Trumps
  • Crying on Putney Bridge
  • Passing a sausage to the Lord Mayor
  • Jogging round the Gherkin
  • Taking a Norwegian teleconference
  • Cleaning the drains with a Turbo Snake
  • Eating scorpions for pudding
  • Proposing in Kenya
More to follow...

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


...following a somewhat drunken discussion the other week, I've been persuaded to donate my upper lip to Movember.

I will therefore be attempting the growth of a (probably hilariously poor) moustache for the entire month of November, as part of the annual campaign to raise awareness about prostate cancer.

Prostate cancer is the most common cancer in men; one man dies every hour from the disease in the UK. This is a cause that I feel passionately about - my Opa succumbed to it, 24 years ago this week - and it would be great if you would consider making a donation to The Prostate Cancer Charity.

To help, please click this link to donate online by card or using PayPal.

The Prostate Cancer Charity will use the money raised by Movember for the development of programs related to awareness, public education, advocacy, support of those affected, and research into the prevention, detection, treatment and cure of prostate cancer.

For more details on the impact Movember is having, please visit:

Thank you in advance for your support - I'll be posting pictures on here/Twitter/Flickr so feel free to point & laugh for the next month :)

Monday, 25 October 2010

Overheard #3-cubed

In conversation with a cyclist:
You never see a sweaty sheep. Think on.

Monday, 18 October 2010

EOTW #26½

Where have we been? Don't ask. No, really. Don't. OK, then. Although, actually. No, I can't. Shall I? No.

Suffice it to say that, in our absence, the interwebs haven't stopped generating accidental euphemisms, and that suits us, and the EOTW-loving* readers of Poodle Variety magazine, just fine.

Recently observed on the web of shame:
  • Booing the Pope
  • Being pelted with ciabatta
  • Petting the peacock
  • Getting a song in your inbox
  • Enjoying the golf
More to follow...

* almost certainly not true

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Overheard #11101011

OK, so this was 'overheard' on Twitter but it made me chuckle anyway:
"No, veg suppliers..."

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

EOTW #Silver Jubilee

Well, look at that. EOTW has made it to 25. Break out the bunting, open some own-brand sparkling wine & warm a few sausage rolls (careful now). And in honour of this landmark, we bring you another generous helping of your Euphemisms Of The Week, as heavily trailed at 33% off on QVC last week*

Recently observed on the web of shame:
  • Clearing out the cutlery drawer
  • Patting the wig 
  • Camping on the heath
  • Sleeping in the beige caravan
  • Crimping the pasty
More to follow...

* no, not really

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

1, 2, 3, Ceasefire

I think this might be my favourite one to date:

Saturday, 11 September 2010

Behind The Fate Ball

Two weeks. Two coincidences.

1) I was emailed back in April this year by the chap who runs a cricket club called The Quaggies who fancied a game against my club, Gentleman's Relish. As it happened, we found we could fit them in and played a very entertaining game last weekend in Kent. After the match, we were chatting over a beer when the conversation turned to the return fixture, and its possible location. I mentioned that we were nominally South London based but that unfortunately the pitch we used to use in Honor Oak had been redeveloped. After confirming the location, it turns out that our old pitch was also the place they played their very first game back in 1993 and his local pub back then was the Blythe Hill Tavern, which is now my local, due to being at the bottom of my street.

2) I was very kindly taken to see Arsenal v Bolton today as a guest of Thomson Reuters. The hospitality was excellent, the seats superb, the banter consistent and the result correct. After the game, we established that we were all heading back via London Bridge and decided to have a quick last beer at Hay's Galleria before we parted company. One of our number happened to be meeting his cousin who was also heading home from the Arsenal match, via the same station, so he too joined us for a swift one. I immediately recognised him from somewhere, but couldn't place him just yet. It bugged me repeatedly as we chatted amiably for a while until there was mention of our destinations. When I mentioned Blythe Hill, it clicked; he lives round the corner from me and we had both seen each other on Champions League evenings watching Arsenal at - guess where - the Blythe Hill Tavern at the bottom of my street!

Randomness abounds...