Overheard (Slight Return)

This gem was too good not to share, from cricket last night:

"So when's the baby due?"
"3rd of August"
"And do you know what it is?"
"Yes, it's a Tuesday"

A is for Agnew

If you're a bit cricket mad, like what I am, you should definitely check out the Alternative Cricket Dictionary from The Wisden Cricketer website. Collated from reader suggestions via email and Twitter, it's a somewhat irreverent alphabetical look at the names and events that have shaped the great game.

So far we're up to 'G' but recent highlights include:

Ball-tampering -- Emotive and complicated grey area, the seriousness of which depends on whether the accused is from Pakistan or not.

Cricket, Mr -- Nickname of Michael Hussey. The brilliance of the moniker hangs on the fact that the subject plays cricket.

Engineer, Farokh -- Lancs and India wicketkeeping legend who recently saw his most-prized record “Most Brilliantly Named Indian Cricketer Whose Name Begins With ‘E’” come under threat from the new generation. See Einstein, Napoleon.

Gripper, Trevor -- Hardest-sounding man in cricket ever.

Enjoy :)

Kate Bash

OK, so this made me proper chortle today and it'll be all over the blogs like a rash, so here:

Arguably a minute or so too long - the middle eight? - but the idea is splendid ("Wuvverin' wuvverin' wuvverin' haits") and a quick punt around YouTube unearthed this little gem as well:

Yes, we like.

Titter

If you're not on Twitter, you're missing out on a plethora of stand-ups and comedy writers testing out material on a willing and discerning audience - for nothing! Graham Linehan, Armando Iannucci, Chris Addison, Richard Herring (to name but a tiny few) all regularly lob out 140-character morsels of mirth. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't; sometimes they're topical, sometimes they're utterly random, but on a good day it's like a free, endless, online Comedy Store open mike night.

One who I hadn't even heard of until earlier this year is Gary Delaney; master of the throwaway one-liner and with a show at Edinburgh later this year. Here's some of his recent tweets which have grabbed me; YMMV :)

• I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word go.
• Should depressed gravediggers just throw themselves into their work?
  
• Tried to get a refund on my Arctic Animals playset; they refused as I'd already broken the seal.
  
• I like to think I'm the best at wasting paper, by quite a large margin.
  
• Currently watching 'V'. Will it still make sense if i haven't see I to IV?
  
• If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
  

And so on. Worth a 'follow' if you like a mid-morning chuckle with your coffee...

Recycling

Genuinely laughed-out-loud on the 0633 to London Bridge today, at this from one of the 'Adam & Joe' Twelve Podacsts Of Christmas:

Joe: "So, 'Nil By Mouth' - a real tour de force."

Adam (as Ray Winstone*): "Yeah, well I've always liked cycling, the bikes and all that, love it..."

I may have woken some people up with my guffawing. Sorry about that.

* because he had a cold, obviously

Danny Boy

If you don't already, I urge you to listen to the Danny Baker show on Five Live. Obviously 9-11 on a Saturday morning might not be amenable to most people, but the podcast doesn't half light up a grey drizzly February commute. Currently loving the Roman numeral footballers feature (VIDIC!) and of course the ever present 'Sausage Sandwich Game'. A couple of hours of irreverent fun of a vaguely sporting nature, all held together with Danny's infectious enthusiasm for the absurd. Worth checking out.

At Home With Fourstar

My good friend Alex recently posted the following question over at his blog:

What is your favorite "at home" phrase?

and it led me to think about the nonsense I spout on a semi-daily basis. Now I have distinctly different "at home" and "at work" phrases (as should everyone...) but for the purposes of this exercise, there is one Pharaoh of phrases, an Excalibur of exclamations, the Prince of proclamations, which is:

"Everyone's a winner, petit dejeuner"

Back in the heady days when I used to play sax in a touring soul covers band, we shared the stage with two of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. Tony (trombone) and Shaun (guitar) had known each other for years and had such a natural rapport they could easily have been working the clubs as a double act. They would have the tour bus in stitches at their tales of derring do and natural affinity for the absurd, which lifted the spirits of those humour-sapping drives across, say, for example, to pick somewhere totally at random, Lincolnshire.

However, whenever something went particularly well (which could be anything ranging from a well-paid gig in Dublin to a delicious sausage roll from a Sunderland truckstop), without fail Shaun would exclaim "Everyone's a winner!" always followed closely by Tony's rejoinder of "Petit dejeuner!".

Now quite why a French breakfast should be the epitome of delight for two jobbing musicians from York, I have no idea - and I'm not sure they did either. However, it stuck with me and to this day, when something goes well at work or at home, this is the line I come out with.

Grammar, We Love You

Scene: Sunday morning in a kitchen in SE6. A man is reading the newspaper and drinking a coffee. A small child in pyjamas enters.

"Daddy, we need to go to the shop."

"Oh, why's that Freyja?"

"Well, we don't have no apples."

"Right, we'd better do that later on then. By the way, it should really be 'We don't have ANY apples'"

"I know Daddy - that's why we need to go to the shop..."

I reckon she's got a future writing for Two Pints...

Raven Mad

One of the ravens at the Tower of London is called 'Thor'. That's pretty damned cool.

kottke: the most famous unkindness

However, another is called Colin. Not so much.

Pednatic To A Fault

I have a new favourite Wikipedia page (thanks, Doug)

Muphry's law

Muphry's Law also dictates that, if a mistake is as plain as the nose on your face, everyone can see it but you. Your readers will always notice errors in a title, in headings, in the first paragraph of anything, and in the top lines of a new page. These are the very places where authors, editors and proofreaders are most likely to make mistakes.

Four Local Gay Parrots Go For A Pint

More Mitchell & Webb genius (and splendidly on topic for my little corner of the blogosphere)

Overheard #87

A cricket match, just south of the M25:

"Middle please."
"Sorry?"
"Er, could I have middle stump please, Umpire?"
"Yes. It's about 3 feet to your left."

And that's for Dave, who subsequently bowled like a demon and nearly got a hat-trick (your fault, Lewis...)

Fifty Weeks Off

Having just got back , this really made me chuckle:

Chris Cleave: Down with the kids

Especially this bit:

"There is a dizzying array of choices but we usually opt for the activities in which we exchange our labour for money, which we find hypnotically calming. The long vacation days are so calming, in fact, that our 50 weeks of holiday can sometimes seem even longer."

Fry On Cricket

Simply wonderful.

Mr Stephen Fry: 14th July Speech at Lord's

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much indeed. It is an honour to stand before so many cricketing heroes from England and from Australia and at this, my favourite time of year. The time when that magical summer sound comes to our ears and gladdens our old hearts, the welcome sound of leather on Graham Swann..."

This Is Ian

Just an average Thursday, chez Antonia:

click to view

From the ever-wonderful 'Wondermark' by David Malki.

Overheard #80

This just in from one of our ever-vigilant field operatives:

"One woman's potato sack is another man's goddess…"

Overheard #79

Regarding shoes:

"I can't wear those; I'd look like a middle-aged goth at a barbecue"

Boom Boom

Haringey council has just rejected plans for the proposed new Spurs stadium on a local park. A spokesperson for the council said "It’s one thing having a funfair there twice a year, but a circus every fortnight is simply not acceptable”

I thang hew.

Back A Bit, Left A Bit

Everyone else has blogged this, so I am going to as well:

Awkward Family Photos

Which reminded me of Antonia, Ian and Esme's brilliant Wild West one, here.

Bono-etry In Motion

The Daily Mash is truly fantastic:

BONO TO CREATE BLACK HOLE OF AWFULNESS

Broadcasting regulator Ofcom said Radio Four's decision to air it in full was 'as reckless as using a threshing machine to brush your teeth'.