Portsmouth must play wearing one white glove on their left hands.
Fulham can only pass East-West in the first half, then North-South in the second.
Sunderland must play in pink and have My Little Pony boots, shaped like little hooves.
Everton must wear their shirts and shorts back to front.
Aston Villa's coaching staff will only be allowed to communicate to the players in Elvish.
Spurs' players must pass the ball to each other in alphabetical order.
Liverpool must arrive to away matches on monocycles, juggling fiery clubs.
Wigan's goalkeeper must sport a parrot on his shoulder throughout the match.
Burnley can only employ players called Dave.
Hull City's matches must take place on the Humber Bridge and they forfeit the match if the ball gets wet.
Wolves must paint their kneecaps to match their opponents shirts.
Stoke City cannot kick-off if there is an odd number of hot dog sellers outside the stadium.
Any more bright ideas before I pack this lot into a roast swan and mail it to the football authorities? You may notice that Manchester United are missing from this list but Sir Alex would just tell them where to stick their silly rules and carry on regardless :)