EOTW #brrrr

Cold, isn't it. Just the kind of weather you'd want your boiler to pack in completely, leaving you freezing for a week and, subsequently, two grand worse off. Still, in order to cheer up those unfortunates shivering in the kitchen waiting for the fourth kettle to boil, we have a special boiler-related Euphemisms Of The Week for you:

• Replacing the thermocoupler
• Tweaking the pressure release valve
• Emptying the condensate
• Checking the pilot light
• Widening the flue

More to follow...

EOTW #30-ish

...so I gave her a pearl n... ah, there you are!! Sorry for the wait but we had leaves on the line at West Byfleet and heavy fog at Camden Parkway (plus I had to go back for my Thermos).

Anyway, pull up a pew, it's a bumper Twitter-only edition of Euphemisms Of The Week, in honour of the forthcoming Royal Wedding (it says here - personally I'd rather be "watching the cricket"...)

Recently observed on the 'tweet of shame':

• Loading an antique blunderbuss
• Fluffing the pillows
• Having dinner with the Trumps
• Crying on Putney Bridge
• Passing a sausage to the Lord Mayor
• Jogging round the Gherkin
• Taking a Norwegian teleconference
• Cleaning the drains with a Turbo Snake
• Eating scorpions for pudding
• Proposing in Kenya

More to follow...

EOTW #26½

Where have we been? Don't ask. No, really. Don't. OK, then. Although, actually. No, I can't. Shall I? No.

Suffice it to say that, in our absence, the interwebs haven't stopped generating accidental euphemisms, and that suits us, and the EOTW-loving* readers of Poodle Variety magazine, just fine.

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Booing the Pope
• Being pelted with ciabatta
• Petting the peacock
• Getting a song in your inbox
• Enjoying the golf

More to follow...

* almost certainly not true

EOTW #Silver Jubilee

Well, look at that. EOTW has made it to 25. Break out the bunting, open some own-brand sparkling wine & warm a few sausage rolls (careful now). And in honour of this landmark, we bring you another generous helping of your Euphemisms Of The Week, as heavily trailed at 33% off on QVC last week*

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Clearing out the cutlery drawer
• Patting the wig 
• Camping on the heath
• Sleeping in the beige caravan
• Crimping the pasty

More to follow...

* no, not really

EOTW #24

Yes, EOTW is back from its summer holidays, and boy is it hungry. Handily enough, this week sees some tasty treats featured in your much-loved, all-beef, special-sauce, quarter-pound Euphemisms Of The Week, which received critical accolades in this month's Saveur magazine*

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Unfolding the tortilla
• Rubbing the garlic
• Warming a triple marshmallow
• Flying to mango-land
• Cradling the peanut

More to follow...

* no, not really

EOTW #XXIII

Random factor, like a tractor, be a love and throw us another batch of totally unrelated Euphemisms Of The Week, as possibly featured in last month's Reader's Digest*

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Spinning the Rolodex
• Buying a sieve
• Sandpapering the plinth
• Skirting around the zoo
• Chalking the sidewalk with Katy Perry**

More to follow...

* no, not really
** I have no idea

EOTW #0b10110

Fire up your V.22 modem and untangle that IEEE-1284 DB25M cable; yes, it's a newly-compiled Euphemisms Of The Week, as featured in this month's COBOL Magazine*

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Opening a back channel
• Grabbing a Yahoo pipe
• Cooling down the router
• Tweeting a hard return
• Yanking the Tardis

More to follow...

* no, not really

EOTW #21

A fresh batch of lovely, warm Euphemisms Of The Week as cooked at Gas Mark 6 for 20 minutes by Pastry & Baking North America* (can you imagine the size of the tin?)

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Microwaving a muffin
• Unwrapping a Tunnocks
• Boxing up the cupcakes
• Forking the profiteroles
• Riding a Dutch bike**

More to follow...

* no, not really
** just for Mel :)

EOTW #19

Anyone go to Glastonbury? No, me either. Shame, I bet there were some wonderful Euphemisms Of The Week to be had there. Ah well, as ever the internet is our saviour.

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Succumbing to the elk
• Loving the mint
• Filling in the wallchart
• Dusting off the bagpipes
• Racing supercars in Belgium

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #18

Football. The beautiful game. It's everywhere at the moment - so why should your favourite MOTD-analysed* Euphemisms Of The Week be any different, eh? Commentators are a rich seam of euphemistic possibility; in fact, I'm convinced some of the pundits try to shoehorn them in deliberately (yes, you, Robbie Savage). Anyway, recently observed on the TV & Radio coverage of the FIFA World Cup 2010:

• Dropping back into the hole
• Testing the keeper's handling
• Closely marking the big pair up front
• Jostling for position in the box
• Letting fly from distance

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #17

Hauling ourselves out of a warm, comfortable bed and lurching folornly down the road into the start of another working week, we stumble past the prostrate form of The Publican-championed* Euphemisms Of The Week, as it recovers from the after-effects of one too many cider slammers.

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Going up to Hampstead for a wander
• Drinking prosecco in Estonia
• Collecting the oboe
• Sitting on the giant pink sofa
• Losing the percussion egg

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #16: Eurovision Special

Yes, with the recent Bank Holiday weekend came the by-now-traditional 'mixed' weather but also the Eurovision Song Contest; a televisual feast that divides opinion even more than Israel's nautical stop-and-search policy...

...so, in the interest of harmonious cross-border relations, this week's EU-funded* Euphemisms Of The Week focuses on the wonderfully translated foreign-language entries to the aforementioned cultural event. All of these appeared live on screen for those of you following the competition via the BBC's 'red button' interactive service which helpfully scrolls the lyrics across the bottom of the screen for each act. And I'm calling them 'Europhemisms', before any bugger else does :)

• Leaving the porch light on
• Wiping the dust off your love
• Hiding the apricot stone
• Seeing the end at your window
• Scratching the fallen ceiling
• Arranging the books
• Mending the shabby gown

And a special EOTW mention to our friends at Watch With Mothers for their 'as-heard' translation of Portugal's entry, which can be seen and chuckled at here. Fear the potatoes indeed...

* no, not really.

EOTW #15

The sun is out, the sky is blue, it must be time, for the Sony Award nominated* Euphemisms Of The Week [scansion needs work - Ed.]

Recently observed on the web of shame:

Viewing the rear terrace

Meeting Ewan McGregor in the canteen

Shunting trucks for Daisy

Flying from Southampton

Walking past the butchers

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #14

... so I said to Bono, well if that's what you think you can shove your Joshua Tree up your ... oh, there you are, do come in - is it that time already? Right, here we go with the NME-approved* Euphemisms Of The Week:

Recently observed on the web of shame:

Riding on the tiger-shaped suitcase

Taking delivery of the neighbour's package

Stealing the bananas

Pruning the wisteria at number ten

Sourcing a railway sleeper

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #13

The electorate has spoken! Yes, we must press on with the Economist-recommended* Euphemisms Of The Week - it is the will of the people, and that:

Recently observed on the web of shame:

Giving Freddie a pat

Browning the mince

Following Joanna Lumley down the Nile

Transfixed by the quivering bangles.

Skimming the scum off the lentils

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #12

I am return! Volcano, schmolcano - the New Yorker-endorsed* Euphemisms Of The Week must go on, thusly:

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Rigging Brundle's chopper with cameras
• Compressing the trombone
• Living next door to Louis Walsh
• Putting the carpet back properly
• Riding the pink bike**

More to follow...

* no, not really.

** a celebrity submission, from Mr Simon Pegg!

EOTW #11

Been a bit busy pretending to be a bachelor again this week, but Week 11 of the BAFTA-nominated* Euphemisms Of The Week is suddenly upon us, so here we jolly well go.

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Pocketing the penny chews
• Getting the celery from downstairs**
• Up all night with the Crayolas
• Polishing the horse brasses
• Touching the hedge

More to follow...

* no, not really.

** actually this was overheard in a tea-room in St Martin's Lane but was too good to leave out :)

EOTW #10

So roughly 20% of the way through 2010 and we gallop headlong into Week 10 of the Richard & Judy-featured* Euphemisms Of The Week.

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Playing with your Uncle’s space Lego
• Reordering the banana stripes
• Reaching downstairs for a biscuit
• On first name terms with the FedEx lady
• Popping up for a gasp

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #9

Brought to you via the wastelands of the frozen North, here we go with Week 9 of the TIME-endorsed* Euphemisms Of The Week. Included for the first time is one of mine; loyal reader, I leave you to guess...

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Looking for eels in a box
• Tapping the salamander
• Going upstairs to visit the bone.
• Reaching for the chocolate weasel
• Poisoning the lion

More to follow...

* no, not really.

EOTW #8

Like a rat up an aqueduct, here's Week 8 of the Grazia-endorsed* Euphemisms Of The Week, and it's been a bumper one (or perhaps I've been on Twitter more than usual, if that's possible within the confines of the existing laws of space and time...)

Recently observed on the web of shame:

• Buying turmeric in Brussels
• Unblocking the Hoover hose
• Advertising Anne Widdicombe’s pasta
• Coming across John Craven in the video shop
• Naming the Bay City Rollers

More to follow...

* no, not really.