Overheard #3-cubed

In conversation with a cyclist:

You never see a sweaty sheep. Think on.

Overheard #1974-77

A member of our sales team, in full flow minutes ago:

"Look, I'm not President Gerald Ford..."

Overheard #0.2718+E

Minutes ago:

"Yes, but where am I going to find a midget at short notice?"

Yes, short notice. You couldn't make it up...

Overheard #2,411,333

Every good anecdote should start this way:

"So I nearly got killed by a Walls sausage lorry this morning..."

Overheard #1,325,877 (ish)

This, just now, in the office:

"...so yes, just put it under your arm for a while; these are much better gooey..."

I have a sneaking suspicion they were talking about some kind of chewy sweet but, like, WTF?

Overheard #103

Unsurprisingly, at work, just now:

"Yes, but presumably Edgar Allan Poe never had to try and put a pie chart in his manuscript."

At Home With Fourstar

My good friend Alex recently posted the following question over at his blog:

What is your favorite "at home" phrase?

and it led me to think about the nonsense I spout on a semi-daily basis. Now I have distinctly different "at home" and "at work" phrases (as should everyone...) but for the purposes of this exercise, there is one Pharaoh of phrases, an Excalibur of exclamations, the Prince of proclamations, which is:

"Everyone's a winner, petit dejeuner"

Back in the heady days when I used to play sax in a touring soul covers band, we shared the stage with two of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. Tony (trombone) and Shaun (guitar) had known each other for years and had such a natural rapport they could easily have been working the clubs as a double act. They would have the tour bus in stitches at their tales of derring do and natural affinity for the absurd, which lifted the spirits of those humour-sapping drives across, say, for example, to pick somewhere totally at random, Lincolnshire.

However, whenever something went particularly well (which could be anything ranging from a well-paid gig in Dublin to a delicious sausage roll from a Sunderland truckstop), without fail Shaun would exclaim "Everyone's a winner!" always followed closely by Tony's rejoinder of "Petit dejeuner!".

Now quite why a French breakfast should be the epitome of delight for two jobbing musicians from York, I have no idea - and I'm not sure they did either. However, it stuck with me and to this day, when something goes well at work or at home, this is the line I come out with.

All That Jazz

Our team Christmas lunch this year was at Ronnie Scott's jazz club, where you can enjoy an afternoon of food and wine accompanied by sets from three different performers (credit to Dei, our editor, for this inspired idea!) We heard a piano trio, then a great tenor saxophonist and finally a female vocalist, who really whipped the audience up into a festive frenzy, especially with her versions of classic Christmas numbers done in the musical style of the audience's choosing (the dub reggae 'Silent Night' was hilarious). It was a pretty tremendous way to spend an afternoon.

However, part of the deal is that everyone joins in for a big number at the end on kazoos (nicely laid out with the cutlery at each place setting). This was great fun, but even better was when they asked for volunteers to come up for a jam on the famous Ronnie Scott's stage, which has been graced by innumerable all-star names from the music world, past and present.

I didn't need asking twice, but I did let Jeremy go first for a microphone level test; old habits die hard. What's that? Is there a recording of this spectacular event? I thought you'd never ask:

And massive thanks to Alex for his off-the-cuff iPhone camerawork :)

Overheard #99

Our database laughs in the face of so-called numerical rules:

"So you're telling me that 1 & 2 are actually 2 & 3 and 1 is now zero? OK..."

Overheard #98

Sometimes I wonder about our IT security procedures:

"So we need to switch off the two-headed dog..."

Overheard #97

The perils of ordering last-minute Christmas presents over the phone:

"Hello? Yes, I ordered a lip-gloss and you appear to have delivered me a designer beaver..."

I never heard the outcome.

Overheard #96

Getting ready for an office Christmas party:

"Are you actually wearing sector-specific cufflinks?"

Overheard(ish) #95

Now I don't normally meander from genuinely overheard-with-ears items but this was the closing line on a colleague's recently-received email which was simply too good to pass up:

"Please advise your availability so that I can send an invite aftermath."

I am genuinely scared as to what that might be.

Overheard #94

They simply couldn't resist:

"I'm off to the panto next week"

"Oh no you're not..."

Overheard #93

A meeting room in the City, mid-morning:

"Yeah, there isn't enough room on the table for a projector, due to all the croissants."

Overheard #92

Fair point:

"I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think bullshit comes in a web."

Pednatic To A Fault

I have a new favourite Wikipedia page (thanks, Doug)

Muphry's law

Muphry's Law also dictates that, if a mistake is as plain as the nose on your face, everyone can see it but you. Your readers will always notice errors in a title, in headings, in the first paragraph of anything, and in the top lines of a new page. These are the very places where authors, editors and proofreaders are most likely to make mistakes.

You've Been Jugged

As I popped out for a bite to eat this morning, a smartly-dressed young man with exotic sideburns stopped me in the street, asked if I was Jewish and, confusingly, waved a lemon in my face.

Do I look like I am a) Jewish or b) riddled with scurvy or c) both? And what would you call the Jewish version of a chugger - a Jugger?

Obviously, I was tempted to grab his hand and shout 'Ken!' to find out more, but I was in desperate need of a bacon sandwich.

Weird.

Overheard #90

Another food-based one from earlier today:

"So how would you make a breakfast bagel , Mike?"
"Well, I'd soak them in water for three hours then throw them away."

Overheard #89

A discussion about the recent cold & wet weather led to this:

"So if you only have a small radiator in the hall, how do you get warm?"

"I have a gas fire that doesn't work in the living room."

"..."